How to teach a teenager to handle unknown calls and texts: a decision flow

"My daughter's phone lights up all evening with numbers I don't know. Do I take it away, read it, or what?" That is the question behind most of the messages we get about teenagers, and the honest answer is a decision tree. Start at the top, follow the branch that matches what just happened, and stop when you reach an arrow. It is written for a parent, an aunt or an older sibling who wants good habits to stick without turning into a security guard.

Teenagers are not the easy targets their grandparents can be, but they are not immune. They answer unknown calls more freely, live in text threads and are used to strangers sending friend requests. Scam messages are written to work on smart people, so falling for one is no sign of being foolish and no reason for embarrassment. It helps to say that out loud to a teen before anything happens.

Start here: the rule that makes every branch work

• If a teen tells you they clicked, paid or shared something:
  • Your first sentence is calm: "Thanks for telling me. We will sort it out together."
    • Then do the practical steps below. Anger comes later, if at all.
  • If your first reaction is anger, they will say nothing next time.
    • Say the rule before anything happens, over a meal: "You will not lose your phone for telling me. You might lose it for hiding it."

The hours between a mistake and a report are exactly when damage can still be limited, which is why this branch comes first.

If an unknown number calls

• If the number is not in the contacts:
  • Let it ring out.
    • A real person with a real reason leaves a voicemail. Ignoring a stranger is not rude.
  • If a voicemail arrives:
    • It makes sense, for instance a school office or a dentist: save the number and call back on the official one.
    • It is urgent, threatening or promises a prize: delete it and tell an adult.
  • If you want this to happen without thinking:
    • On an iPhone, open Settings > Phone > Silence Unknown Callers and turn it on. Numbers not in Contacts, recent outgoing calls or Siri suggestions go straight to voicemail.
    • On many Android phones, open the Google Phone app, tap the three-dot menu, then Settings, and look under Caller ID & spam and Blocked numbers. Menus vary by maker, so check the phone itself.
      • Trade-off: a school office, coach, dentist or job interviewer calling from a new number is silenced too. Check voicemail daily and save new numbers once confirmed.
• If the caller claims to be official (a school, a bank, a phone company, the police):
  • Say "I'll call you back at the number on the official website," then hang up.
    • Tell an adult. A real organization does not mind, and a caller who objects has told you what you needed to know.
  • If the story involves arrest, a warrant or a frozen account:
    • It is the same script older relatives hear. The arrest-threat briefing explains it, and a teen who has heard the outline is much harder to rattle.

If a text comes from a stranger or a new number

• If it asks for a code you just received, whether as a "mistake" or a "verification":
  • Do not send it. A six-digit code is for you alone, and nobody legitimate needs it read back.
• If it asks for gift cards, wires, cryptocurrency or a payment app, for someone you have not met in person:
  • Stop. Show a parent.
• If it is a job or prize offer that pays well for easy work, or wants a fee first:
  • Stop. Out-of-the-blue offers that ask for money first are the pitch, not an accident.
• If a "friend" writes from a new number and wants something urgent:
  • Call the friend on the number you already have, or ask another friend.
    • If their phone really was lost, they will be glad you checked. If the account was taken over, the real owner will be even gladder.
• If a link asks you to log in to an account you did not open yourself:
  • Do not tap it.
• If it is plainly spam:
  • Forward it to 7726 (SPAM), which passes it to the carrier, then delete the thread and block the number.
    • Do not reply "STOP" to an obvious scam. A reply tells the sender that a person reads the messages.

If something has already gone wrong

• If a code or password was shared:
  • Change the password on that account, turn on two-step verification, sign out of other devices, and check with the bank or app whether money moved.
• If money or gift cards were sent:
  • A parent phones the bank or card company at once. The first-hour guide lists what each payment method allows.
• If the call claimed to be a relative in trouble:
  • Use the family safe word. It also lets a parent check a call that claims to come from the teen.

For the parent: what to turn on, and what to skip

• If you want built-in tools:
  • Apple and Google both let a parent manage a child's account, including limits on contacts and downloads. Carriers offer family plans with spam blocking or labeling, and the details and cost vary, so check the bill or the carrier's site.
    • A spam label is an estimate, and a missing label does not prove a call is safe. Blocking one number rarely helps, since many operations rotate numbers. The rule beats the tool.
• If you are tempted to read their messages in secret:
  • Do not. It costs trust, and trust is what gets you the "something weird just happened" text. Say what you can see and why, or agree on a weekly phone check with the teen present.
• If you want a project for the weekend:
  • Have the teen set up Silence Unknown Callers on a grandparent's phone, using the parent cheat sheet. They practice the skill and the older relative gets a patient teacher.

Sources

• FTC consumer information
• ReportFraud.ftc.gov
• Apple Support
• Google Help